Day #117 : Where do i begin?

Now, where should i begin?
It was 8 day before my last entry and that 8 day happen too fast and most of them completely eating me and my time. I mean, there's no day i spend without not-doing-anything.

What disturb me the most was my unconscious feeling now. I remember last night when i received mom's message, telling me to go back home tomorrow , and today is the day. He told me that daddy need me to accompany him in the hospital and to go back home. right after i read the message, i stuck below the study table, where i happened to read the message, and didn't move a bit for a few minutes. Later then i text-ed Mr. Kiokie, telling him that i needed time to do my work. The moment after passed quickly. I am not me. I mean, the way i settle the work, the way i look towards my environment, the way i express myself, it wasn't me. I was really doing the work, and i didn't notice anything happening in my surrounding .

Well, i didn't realize that until i finished my work. I suddenly fall on my knees and begin to cry so bad. I mean, it was so bad. I was talking to God and begging him to understand my needs. The words that came to my mind was "God, you said you are near to those who broken heart and you will comfort them when they come to you. Here i am Lord, i came to you and please comfort me." I was repeatedly saying those sentences without knowing the reason(s).

It took me a moment before i realize my 'actual' needs. Last month i was shocked with my grandpa news. There's no sign, there's no news and he suddenly admitted to the hospital on Monday. And on Friday, i got a call to go back home, and it was because my grandpa finally leave us. Well, i was shocked , i mean really shocked that i can't accept the news. All i did was standing up, going to class, and go back home. There in home, i was busying myself, smiling and trying to help the other to be strong. But soon after everyone gone in my sight, i was crying so bad.

And that happened again last night. Soon i realize that i afraid my daddy will leave us. I know i was thinking too much and i shouldn't do this. But i can't hold back my feeling. And i am now feeling the coldness in my hands and the involuntary shudder. I can't concentrate on doing things. All i know is i gotta be strong and i need to never let my guard down.

And, i hope when all of this pass, i can smile, stand up , gain a new strength and honestly say 'I Made It'.

Dear Lord, please listen to our deepest thoughts and please provide us all things we need according to your will. Help us to be strong and help us to understand and accept your will more than anything else. In Jesus Name, Amen.

May everything will be alright. Hakuna Matata !

XoXo