Day #117 : Where do i begin?

Now, where should i begin?
It was 8 day before my last entry and that 8 day happen too fast and most of them completely eating me and my time. I mean, there's no day i spend without not-doing-anything.

What disturb me the most was my unconscious feeling now. I remember last night when i received mom's message, telling me to go back home tomorrow , and today is the day. He told me that daddy need me to accompany him in the hospital and to go back home. right after i read the message, i stuck below the study table, where i happened to read the message, and didn't move a bit for a few minutes. Later then i text-ed Mr. Kiokie, telling him that i needed time to do my work. The moment after passed quickly. I am not me. I mean, the way i settle the work, the way i look towards my environment, the way i express myself, it wasn't me. I was really doing the work, and i didn't notice anything happening in my surrounding .

Well, i didn't realize that until i finished my work. I suddenly fall on my knees and begin to cry so bad. I mean, it was so bad. I was talking to God and begging him to understand my needs. The words that came to my mind was "God, you said you are near to those who broken heart and you will comfort them when they come to you. Here i am Lord, i came to you and please comfort me." I was repeatedly saying those sentences without knowing the reason(s).

It took me a moment before i realize my 'actual' needs. Last month i was shocked with my grandpa news. There's no sign, there's no news and he suddenly admitted to the hospital on Monday. And on Friday, i got a call to go back home, and it was because my grandpa finally leave us. Well, i was shocked , i mean really shocked that i can't accept the news. All i did was standing up, going to class, and go back home. There in home, i was busying myself, smiling and trying to help the other to be strong. But soon after everyone gone in my sight, i was crying so bad.

And that happened again last night. Soon i realize that i afraid my daddy will leave us. I know i was thinking too much and i shouldn't do this. But i can't hold back my feeling. And i am now feeling the coldness in my hands and the involuntary shudder. I can't concentrate on doing things. All i know is i gotta be strong and i need to never let my guard down.

And, i hope when all of this pass, i can smile, stand up , gain a new strength and honestly say 'I Made It'.

Dear Lord, please listen to our deepest thoughts and please provide us all things we need according to your will. Help us to be strong and help us to understand and accept your will more than anything else. In Jesus Name, Amen.

May everything will be alright. Hakuna Matata !

XoXo

:'(

Dear Lord, help me to be strong and bend to your will. :'(

Dear Lord, you said You are near to the broken heart and You'll comfort those who come to you with tears. So do i come today Father and please comfort me :'(

Dear Lord, help my precious dady to be strong. I still really love and need him.

In Jesus name, Amen!

Tq :'(

Day #109 : Happy Birthday Chinggu

Filled the morning until 2pm in school doing action research, teaching and meeting. Today teach me a lot , really a lot about being patient. I was chosen to be one of Remedial Teacher and that was tough enough for me. I need to wait wait wait wait and sometime i need to stay beyond WAIT. I need to remember what i learned today.

2.30 -5.30 : I love to feel the burn.

5.30 - 8.00 : My chinggu birthday surprise. O my, i love to see the reaction she gave --- *too much to say , too little time* Later.
XoXo

Day ＃108: Too much enemy

I come to know 3 feelings today - Guilty followed by hurt then come afraid. I just choose a path to go yesterday and today i already face with enemies i aint looking for. And when i ask, a person told me that the other person comes to hate me even before i came to that occasion. The strong reason they uttered was "She mean to steal others boyfie". woah woah woah. It shocked me to death and i started blaming myself and feel like running away.

But another person come, telling me that it's ok to feel that way. It's normal and i just need to treat my feeling right. Understanding and appreciation comes.

Oh by the way, i don't feel better today. And i was experiencing a headache when the year 6 students come to me. So i did NILAM in the library. Something important to remember  happened again. I read the book for my student. EQ book. And suddenly he cries. I was shocked back then and finally i understood that the story i kept telling him was similar to his.

Well, i changed the story to dinosaur then but it caught my attention about : to be friend with my students, i need to at least listen to them. So to speak, we're more close now.

Day #107 : A day to remember

Full of question mark. Why why why how how how when when when bla bla bla.

I hate to leave when i decided this very important occasion. I wonder where this road will leads me.

Karen laugh and congratulate me. She did say she is happy for me.

Debora was amazed. She don't want to accept the fact. And she don't want to believe what was happening. And so do i. I don't believe it but that was what i felt. And i felt it was a right thing to do.

Jade laugh so hard and she asked me to meet four-gether with JCW<3DEYKA

Edora said, those love that we experienced is beautiful because it was unplanned.

Whatever it is, i already ask God to lead the road i am taking now.

May everything will be alright. :)

XoXo

Day #105 & #106 : Family reunion (reminisce)

When the 7th members of Welbe's family unite, i feel more safe and happy.

Dad was sick and we come to see him. The most unforgettable moment i had in my heart is when all of us chit-chatting in the kitchen. Mom, pepem, iba and me was sitting in the floor (pepem, iba and mum was eating the puding marie i made on friday night), Cs. Zie and Welder was sitting in the chair near the table and dad was standing up near the stove waiting for the boiled water.

We were talking about Welder's girlfriend back then and we unable to detect the real name. And most of the sisters, i mean, us, don't like the so-called girlfriend. Welder simply respond to us ' I don't know why they like me' highlighting the word "THEY". We were laughing so hard back then that we can't imagine how a girl begin to like him who doesn't take a bath often, don't brush his teeth - simply he has a bad hygiene and grooming.

Dad and welder used to fight all day long , i mean, they never can stay 'OK' together. Daddy burst into laughing but he tried hard to cover the sound, afraid he'll disturb the moment. Because if Welder heard dad's laugh then they'll fight again. Meanwhile, iba who noticed dady covering his mouth using his hand begin to laugh more hard and pointing to him. Mum and i trying so hard to tell iba despite our hard LOL, not to point to daddy. And there pepem showed her blurry face, not knowing why mum and i was laughing so hard.

Man, i can't tell the exact situation but i can tell that we are so happy reuniting again. Tomorrow, this moment will left as a memory, a great memory i don't want to erase. If and only if i have a choice, i want to stay here forever. But what to do, tomorrow, we need to go back to where we should go.

I love you my little family. May this family will always be together there in heaven someday. AMEN.

XoXo

Day ＃104 : I see God through Him

And today too. I don't want to forget this feeling. I was awake and i can see the pieces of me slowly re-unite again. I don't know why and how and when the shredded pieces of mine start to find its soul of unity AGAIN after a hard and painful scatter.

Thank You God. I see you through him . Thank You so much !

Day ＃103 : I don't want to forget this feeling

It's 3.20 pm and i was laying in my bed crying. But behold ! This ain't the same tears i got along this 1 and half year. This tears is something i don't want to forget. FOREVER !

It was a ray of hope that flickers right in front of me, all of sudden .

It was like me lost in a jungle and those jungle torture me to the death. and i felt so much burden to lift alone, a guilt from the past etc. But today i found a way out and i am crying to the fullest because i am too happy !

Thank God ! I won't forget this feeling forever !

Day ＃98 : farewell F.Family

Music Festival is now over and i am leaving to Kota Kinabalu to meet another nakama for tomorrow's paintball.

But i was crying this evening when i know about the others who stay overnight in Lumat. I don't know why, but i want to be where they are.

I don't know what unite us but i kind of loving you all so much. It's hurt to leave even it happens everytime.

Buy Farewell ! See u all soon. LOVE !

Day ＃96: Busy Day

I must said that today is the most busy day i have. Went to school - took 2 hours to do therapy on the remedial students - managing the 'things' we'll use this coming Saturday for bengkel UBF and it took us a day in school to finish just a littlr bit of it - Meeting Action Research Lecturer - Hit the gym - and now i supposed to finish the 162 certificates, MC text, Girls Guides Shows & activities , Lesson Plan etc.

And the printer freaking a lot and i am pissed off. :-(

Should Go now ～ Oyasumi !

Day ＃96: Succes

Succes is a journey. It's not a destination!

＃Take Note!

Jade was here with fmom, fdad and Jess, attending the Australians Concert but i wasn't there with them.

Too much to do yet too little time. Isit?

Day ＃95: Why am I so afraid to say YES?

Lihat, aku mengutus kamu seperti domba ke tengah-tengah serigala, sebab itu hendaklah kamu cerdik seperti ular dan tulus seperti merpati. Matthew 10:16

Indeed a good breakfast i got to walk my path today. It said that according to the research conducted on adult in 60, 72% of them regret for abandoning their work time in their youth day, 67% said they regret about their work choice, 63% said, they were regreting not spending time to shale their children and etc.

I can see that a lot of people regret their past. And those regret won't run away from any human being. So I better do anything with all my might or i will regret it later. God said, He gave people a lot of wisdom. And because i am walking in a road full of thorns, i need to be wise yet stay humble.

And today, i face a lot of thing that needs me to choose and to make a choice is about to face a regret later.

What take me to the bottom of my heart is, WHY I AM SO AFRAID TO OPEN MY HEART , AGAIN?

Well it is one of the greatest fear i have up until now. Maybe i need to wait a little longer? I don't know. Really i don't know.

If i say YES then what will happen to the future? Will i smile to the end or will i cry again? I don't know. That makes me really REALLY afraid.

I wonder where this road will take me. *Deep Sigh*

Day ＃94 : Dear God, show me the right way to help them

I was wearing my Pink Kebaya today and i realized that the cloth gotten bigger a bit . Might be because of the long stairs in SK Banjar or the busy schedule, or maybe both of 'em. But, yaaatttttaaaa! Way to goooo. O cloth, please gotten bigger and bigger . :-D

So, today was a tiring day but filled with a lot of lessons beside the blessings i got. I finally met up with my year 6 student. Well, I was asking my buddy, Jessyca about treating the year 6 student well. Actually, i don't know how, or maybe i am not sure how to handle them carefully - Isit like handling the other children or like a sister / brother or like I did to Jade? I don't know. I used to be among 12 year old childrens and i felt like they're close to me, really close to me. Sometime i ask their guidance and sometime i felt ashamed because i know they knew a loy of thing than me. But this is my students. If i didn't take them seriously, then what will happen to me? Will I be able to manage the classroom well? I don't know!

I just bring the unsettled mind to the library last morning and met them up there. I did pray. I said 'dear God, whatever happen later, please act with me and speak through me so i can reach their heart. Amen.' I was waiting for them nervously in front of the door and funny i was barely know them when Mr. How ask me 'Are they your students?' . Back then, i answered 'No, They're not' before we laughed together because they actually are. So, it supposed to be a mistake -Fail to recognize my own student- but it turns out a happy welcoming to them.

I took 4 of them meanwhile the 5 pupils went to learn with Mr. Pyan Wise :-D . What did i do? I took almost 10 minutes to talk with them and i can see that they can share what they have with me. Thank God. We talked a lot and the conversation includes their shame about their weakneses. But i told them, 'You're here not because you aren't able to read. You are here because we want you , the school want you to suceed in UPSR.' Well, that took them in their heart, i can say. They startled a little, looks like they don't want to believe what i said to them. And one of them said : We never have this trust before. So i think .... "WELL SAID CYEKA" Thank God, i know it's You who spoke through me. Doomo Arigato!"

After the Diagnostic test, i finally knew their level and it was sad. Sad enough to think. But, this responsible is in me and i am going to hold it to the end, giving all i can give and help them to realize that they're worth learning everything, FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR LIFE.

Along with 8 student in my hands, i will try my best to help them to reach their dream! I know who holds tomorrow. It's the one who have been pouring a lot of blessings to me.

Another thing is, I have a great time meeting with my parents with my younger brother in Keningau today. It's far and dad wasn't really well but they come all the way to Keningau just to meet me and give me that medicine-alike fruit. Thank You dad, mom :-D I love both of you!

And, I visited a family today, a small family but a very loving one! The mom was looking forward for Children Camping in church. Well, i think i am gonna adapt with every changes now and start building the church's asset again - The children.

I regained my stamina this evening. Dancing was the best thing to do along with the hardcore exercise! <3

Oh i guess I'm so tired and i need to rest. Yawnnnn! Oyasumi.

Xoxo!

Day ＃93: I am running out of stamina

I spent the entire day watching One Piece besides sleeping. No, Sleeping besides One Piece - This is the correct one.

So to speak, i was inspired by the spirit each of them showed and as good as their Nakama's Bond. Well, i can imagine that if everyone in the world act like that, then there's no need to be worry about Being Wherever We Wish To. By the way, i am quite sure that it was beyond impossible to happen now.

That sleeping and Watching One Piece really drew away my attention that i forget about eating and my kawai little sister, i bet she's hungry enough. I am sorry Pyme.

And when i come to think about preparing food for us, i then realize that i am running out of money. I mean, i am barely survive for now. No Money, No Talk. Thank God, i still have my all time favorite food - OatMeal. So that was the only food we have for today and up until now i still feel hungry . O my English :(

When i off to work out this evening, i realized that i am running out of stamina.

Also, when i practice my violin this evening, i realize that i am getting weak especially my fifth finger *What is the name again? I forget*. The sound isn't come out really well. And i kind of afraid doing more than that. Sigh!

What happen to me actually? Could it be because i didn't work out for so long ? Or could it be because i didn't eat healthy food? Or could it be the sleep took out all my stamina? Gosh, i don't know. All i know is, i am going to increase my stamina everyday! Yossshhh, way to go!

P/s; I have a long list of undone work and i am sleepy, AGAIN ! Well, i wrote 'This is just a little bit of it. You won't die doing It!'

So i guess i better be going. NOW. Ja nee <3

Day ＃92 : Why God let the sins happened?

Hi, Happy Sabbath! So today i was preaching for divine service at church. The Caption for today's entry was my Preach's title. I was having a great time talking in front of my fellow church's member. It wasn't my lessons, It's God. He made me talk in front of them and allowed them and me to understand why did the Mighty God let the sin happened long ago, back when everything, i mean everyone was living peacefully, lovingly with agape love with the one and only, The Greatest Father of all - The Lord. I myself was feeling great after being able to understand that besides being able to dig up a little about how Satan might provoke me to follow him up until now. His way looks sweet but the outcomes will lbe very dangerous! Meanwhile, when Satan, whom once was the Mighty Angel of all Angel betray God, He handle everything with love. He doesn't want to vanish him all in once, He gave him a lot of time to come back to the right path, yet Satan deny and he even laugh at His kindness. Well, It wasn't easy to act that kind to those who had betrayed us but God, He handle it with Love!

To sum up the sermon, I come up with conclusion that God is so kind , full of love, no, He himself is the agape love and His way is AMAZING beyond everything. Meanwhile the Satan is way too dirty in tricking everyone includes me and u!

I am spending my night with my little sister, Pepem.

And oh, i almost forget something: Tonight when i went to the laundry room, i fell off and it cause a large bruise on my right hand, my right leg injured and i cause my back hit the cement. O my, It was painful! But big girl don't cry ! Ngee. It will eventually be fine. :-D

It was a great night and sure, a great rest. :-D
Overall, This Sabbath was great!

P/s: Dear Lord , please help us to solve the financial and transport problem to complete our serving in Lumat thia weekend. Thank You.

Day ＃91

It seems that i can't find a sentence or at least a word to explain about today. It was another ordinary friday but attached by a lot of new thing.

So i began my day with a quick bath. Right after i finished my bath, the water stopped. Thanks to my little buddy who have been a lot of help lately, waking me up every morning. Well, i get used to it for almost five and half year here in campus, No water supplies, blackout, cafe's problem and bla bla bla. And it seems that it wasn't make full sense by now.

So i arrived school and directly find my beloved student to do some therapy session with them. They are having a lot of problem about reading. Despite of their split and different personality, they are
actually that kind of good students. However, they can't read. They just know the letters name but they can't determine the alphabet sound especially the vowels. Not a single sound when i first met them last January. It was hard to deal with this kind of student actually because i have to consider their feeling like : I must make them feel like they're worth the learning process, I must make them believe in self, I must make them know that it's not that they can't read like their peers, they just need an extra hard work and so on. Oh, they are just children around 8 & 9 and they don't know about feeling (s)? False dearie. People should be treated right since born and if not, at least there are teachers in school who can make that a little bit right. That 'little bit' will make difference.

So to speak, i had a conversation with Jade yesterday and today about this matter too. Because i was assigned to do something with some year 6 students with a difficulties in reading and writing. I was asking Jade about her expectation to the teacher that'll teach her if she face the same situation. And she answer 'I also donooo oh. because i didn't walk that way before. i read since kindergarten' . and so do i. I read since 4 years old. That brought us to a deep conversation then. I myself want to know, i mean REALLY want tl know about their feeling. Year six student is about entering the early teens phase and i think i shouldn't treat them the way i treat the year 2 & 3 students. What should i do now?? Mind if someone give me any suggestion?

That thing keep stirring in my mind today. A Lot.

Another thing is : I once again be an MC of SK Banjar's Staff Party. I don't recall my first day being an MC that i realized i conducted that job a lot lately. By the way, thank God for the ability. I think i just discover that.

Tonight, i wasn't there where i supposed to be every weekend. Time swiftly passed by and now every single thing start changing. The change, Most of them, i don't like it. If i can, i just want to stop them all. Everything! But i know every change happens to make me realize or learn something new. Maybe today i was crying towards something i don't like. But who knows, tomorrow it'll provide a beautiful bloom of Sakura flower? Who knows right? It happens. I know.

Dad was sick and i am worried. I really don't know what to do. But i am taking Kiokie's advice in : Put another strength in your heart, oyo. It will be just fine.
Kiokie, if you happens to read this, that you are eager to find my blog, i want you to know that i am so blessed to have a wonderful friend like you. I can't thank you enough!

＃I just realize that there's a lot of blessing i got behind every sorrows. Thank You dear Lord. Happy Sabbath!

Day ＃90 : It's ok to be like this

I have this very wonderful friend of mine. I mean, we are close enough that i am very comfortable to share everything i have with him. But something happen and it make us seperate. I mean, we aren't really seperate like one go to the east and one gone to west or north or whatever. We still here but we don't really talk like before etc. Well, as for me, i am confused about what really i need to do. All i know is, this is the best way i can do to respect him. Or, do i have any other option? I don't know. So i think, it's ok to be like this.

P/S : Happy Birthday drf.

Day #89 : It's School Day and I am In Cyber Cafe

It's 89 day since i celebrated my 22nd birthday huh ? Time swiftly passed by. *sigh* It's been long since my last entry and sure a large gap between the other day. Well, I think life wasn't that busy, I THINK. I mean, actually i still have time spared for blogging if i appreciate that, Well, the problem is i wasn't. But actually i didn't really leave the 'writing diary' part that i did it on my phone and drafted it. bla bla bla

So, it's school day and i am in Cyber Cafe. Really freaking out for the first day school actually. Well, i did ask permission from PK 1 before i leave. Why am i here? Ok, last night i was busy-ing myself photocopy-ing the certificates etc, filling the empty box for my e-posting and soon print it. But, the wi-fi really freak out, SLOWER THAN A SNAIL. O boyyyyy. Knowing that today is last day to send it out to our KO then i really REALLY need to settle it now.

Feel like writing more, but i guess i need to head back to school. See ya !
XoXo