Dear dady,
Two years ago, you and mom were with me inside my room in Ipg Kampus Keningau hostel. Both of you asked me to look up. Both of you stayed and try to lift me up. Both of you asked me to stop crying or at least look unto your face. But i refused, i was crying hard and i didn't turn my face up and look at both of you. Then, i felt mom's and dad's hand were above my head. And i heard dad's prayer asking God to help me to be strong. After a while, both of you told me that you were going back and still i didn't look up and didn't even say thank you or see you or good bye. Then, i received mom's message saying 'both of us were proud of you. You did well in school, in church, in music bla3 . Don't let this problem ruin you or make u go crazy. Get a hold of yourself'.
Yah, that was 2 years ago. September 23, 2013, i experienced a great lost. I made a bitter decision to let go of the man i loved the most. I was blaming my parents my church my religion my friends etc because i really thought that all of those matter made me experienced the pain.
I was asking God to heal me or let me die, or at least to help me forget everything! But the pain doesn't stop. It goes on and it was toturing me like flipping, beating, burning, turning, breaking etc etc me and i was going insane!
But, September 22, 2013 that two years after, last month, i experienced the loss again. This time, it was dad. The day he left us, i didn't cry. I smile and let dady go calmly. I was wondering what make me that strong. I've been crying since small, just thinking about dad being sick or there's a mosquito biting him, when he is hungry and there's no food for him etc etc not to mention about he is R.I.P. NO! I never accept that and i was thinking about dying if and only if dad left us. I told God bout it. I told God to keep him safe and never take him before i really prepare myself. I still need him to hold me when i get married and need him to hold my child(s) , his grandaughter / grandson ! 2013 isn't the year!
But, it happens and dad now RIP. I am still wondering why am i not crying that day. And i realized that God help me to prepare since 2 years ago ! He let me experience the great pain 2 years ago to prepare me for the greatest pain this year.
I learned well. God is too wise to be mistaken and God is to good to be unkind. There will always a reason behind your pain. Get hold of yourself and look up. God gave the greatest battle to His strongest soldier. There will always be blessings through raindrops.
P/s: Rest in peace dady. I love you. You always stay in my heart although i can't see you now. See you in heaven dad. And let's read this entry there :) TOGETHER!
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